Surely there will be someone. Surely? Or are my expectations filtering every other person out? Until nothing comes through... Is it me who needs to change my expectations? Or is it a matter of excercising faith?
I've found out something else about what I like. Innocence, a desire to learn, a desire for the duality of God's work... Both the simplicity & complexity of it. Is it really that impossible?

And I better watch myself again. To make myself worth it... Does every girl stop learning at 18? Do their desires change so greatly at that age? Is there no one like me? No one who refuses to obey the world? Or has a desire to serve God? Maybe I changed too early? Maybe I got my eyes opened sooner than anyone else? Maybe by some divine accident, I've been jolted awake 4 or 5 years too early? Like waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep.

Is my trusting God just a cover for not wanting to do things by myself? A diversion for laziness? If it was, I would just be walking into the pit of death. Maybe this isn't how things work... Maybe one must have the ability to give up their qualifications (diplomas, degrees, masters, doctorates) and a stable job to be considered useful for the Kingdom of God. People like me who no longer see a need to chase after these worthless things are of a lower standard in His service... Cos thats how I feel I'm treated.

I CANNOT SERVE GOD!!!
Why?
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THE MEANS TO...
Oh boohoo... thats your problem my dear boy.

And I feel as if I'm just a immature little punk who doesn't know what he's getting himself into. I feel like the little boy who gets his hair ruffled by a proud uncle who chuckles to himself, "How cute" and hands him a dollar for making him laugh. And the worst thing? I feel as if I've said all this before... As if I'm being put on repeat in a CD player. And tomorrow, it won't matter. Because no one pays attention to the punk with earrings. Cos he doesn't know what he's talking about. He is just a classic example of the 'young people' which are polluting our society. It seems that how I look matters to you more than it does to me, doesn't it?

There's nothing keeping me here except committment to several people that I feel a need to be with. I feel a responsibility for them. Because with this glass ceiling, I can never move up. If I can't get what I want, thats bad enough. But not being able to do what I want to do for God, thats worse...
But its still what I want to do... Sigh...